Sunday, February 13, 2011


Judicious [adj] (joo dih shuhs)
  1. Sensible
  2. Showing good judgment

I have to question how judicious it is to have not one, not two, but three theatrical retellings of Snow White without a single one of them featuring our fair princess as an evil vampire.

*Insert chirping birds, a la this clip*

Okay.  Here we go: Snow White is a vampire.  No, no - stay with me.  The Queen is not evil; she's a vampire hunter. 

This story is loaded with allusions to Snow's less-than-living reality, even if it the tale itself paints her as the innocent victim.  Remember: History is written by the victors.  We've seen it happen time and time again - so why would it be any different when it comes to faerie tales?  I propose that the Queen of Snow White is merely a victim of a rewritten history - the target of a post-humorous smear campaign by her archenemy.  And here is my evidence:

  • As the German telling of this tale goes, Snow White begins as a wish made on a drop of her mother's blood.  Blood.  B-L-O-O-D.  To top it off, the mother dies during childbirth.  A coincidence or Snow's first victim?  
  • The Queen uses a mirror (an item that vampires traditionally cannot be viewed in. A great irony.) to keep an eye out on "The Fairest of the All," also known as AKA very, very pale people.  Perhaps those who do not go out merrily in sunlight and have no blood pumping through their veins, hm?  
  • The Queen asks her loyal Huntsman to kill Snow and bring back her heart.  A heart skewered with a wooden stake, me thinks. 
  • Snow has an uncanny ability to get men to protect her.  The Huntsman backs out of killing her.   The Dwarfs (AKA "The Buffet") fall over themselves to please her.  It's all vampiric hypnosis.  Plus, a Prince she's never met fights over her "dead" body - but we'll get to that. 
  • Snow doesn't die.  Ever.  The Queen hunts down the Fair Lady to kill her on three separate occasions.  Her first failed attempt is with a magical corset that tightens and tightens and tightens one's ribcage.  Really, a vice grip like that on your ribs should kill you - unless you don't breathe.  The Queen, not one to give up that easily, then tries a poison comb, which, too, fails.  And that poison comb should have worked, as well - except if Snow's skin is so hard that it can't be penetrated.  Finally, Snow is handed a BLOOD RED poison apple, which Snow eats and - wait for it - still doesn't die.  The traditional tale says the apple was merely "stuck in her throat."  A lucky happenstance or an author trying to explain the unexplainable (also known as vampirism)?     
  • The dwarfs put Snow in a glass coffin while she rests.  'Nough said.
  • A Prince, who has never meet our princess before, becomes enchanted by Snow's beauty and instantly falls in love with her.  He fights with the dwarfs over the body and, somehow, this "wakes" Snow up - Ms. Undead likely sensed an escape and a way to get rid of the Queen marrying a powerful prince all in one move.  
  • Unbeknown to her, the Queen attends a wedding - only to find that it's the wedding of a once-ally and her last target.  Completely ditching her pure and innocent routine, Snow makes the Queen dance in hot iron shoes until she dies for her and her minions' - er, I mean guests' entertainment.   This leaves Snow a kingdom for her next buffet. 
Ladies and gentlemen of the faerie tale jury, the evidence is before you.  Grimm's so-called Evil Queen is nothing of the sort; she is a hero, a warrior against the darkness.  Sadly in the Queen's case, the darkness triumphed and manage to so manipulate the true telling of Snow White that her bravery and sacrifice are known only as vanity and greed today.  


  1. I am utterly fascinated and rethinking my childhood completely.