Collusion

Collusion [noun] (kul loo zhuhn)

1. Collaboration
2. Complicity
3. Conspiracy

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I wish my Brain would stop acting in collusion with Reality.  The two of them talk, you see.  My eyes scan a glossy, register a fashion ad and my Brain begins to think.  But why should it do so on it's own?  It pulls out its brand new iPad 2 (because, clearly, my brain has obtained one - and has hidden it from me) and messages a trusted friend, Reality.

Brain: Hi, Reality
Reality: Oh, Brain! How r u?
Brain: Good, good.  Been looking at this magazine ad and was wondering if we should expect it to look good on us. [Pic attached]
Reality: WOW 0_o
Brain: So, you think we'll look like that, too?
Reality: Ummm...sure, sure.  BTW get that iPad 2 I sent?
Brain: Yeah, love it!  Thanks so much! But, do you really think we should get it?
Reality: You deserve it!  :-)
Brain: Awwww! Really? Stop it. 
Reality: Would I lie to you? ...
Brain: Too sweet!  Oops, need to get back.  TTYL!

My Brain then give me its input: "Look at how glorious that model looks in that chartreuse and mauve zebra-print jumpsuit!  If she looks so jaunty, surely we will, as well.  Get it!" In that moment, my expectations are high.  Why would my Brain lie to me, after all?  It is me.

And yet.

My Brain has also been seduced by the idea that Reality won't lie to it, thereby allowing said "friend" to slap this occasionally media illiterate gal across the face.  But I doubt Reality's only confident is my Brain - I bet many other Brains chat with it, as well.  Brains that gift it cruises and massages and front row Knick's tickets; Brains that ask it to conveniently forget to let other Brains know that chartreuse and mauve zebra-print jumpsuits look good on no one, save for well lit, overly Photoshop'd, and paid spokespeople.

Thankfully, with the influx of media literacy in schools, most of us take marketing with more than just a grain of salt - we grab the whole container.  Our Brains are trained to be weary, to analyze all resources, and then come to a conclusion.   However, even when we know better, we still do it: We trust.  We see past the make-up, the .12 cm font, the paragraphs of disclaimers, and choose to move forward with faith that it'll be different this time - this time it'll work for us.

This instance of trust in the advertising brings me to my most recent example of Brain/Reality collusion: 

An e-mail sent the weekend before my first Bon Jovi concert, urging ticket holders to "Arrive Early - No Opening Act." Be there at 7:30 "SHARP," it extols - we're starting with or without you, it screams.  Fast forward to March 1 at 7:30 PM: Nothing.  7:35 PM: Nothing.  7:55 PM: Ditto.  8:00 PM: De Nada.  Finally, after sitting in my seat like a good fan for well-over an hour and a half, the show starts at 8:15 PM.

The marketing lead my Brain to believe; Reality showed me otherwise.  Never again - until next time, that is.

Lissome

Lissome [adj] (lihs uhm)

1. Easily flexed
2. Limber
3. Agile

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I've been wearing a pair of granny boots around town for the past few weeks.  They're lissome, the leather now marked and worn.  The shiny black is now a matted gray that works well with its darkened, threadbare laces and weakened hooks.  The heel may be the only thing that has maintained its original structure: 2-inches of solid Cuban heel.

I know I'm not winning any fashion awards when these shoes are strapped to my feet.  Those kind of accolades are only bestowed upon wispy espadrilles, leopard print pumps, and red-soled stilettos. And yet, I can't find it in myself to care.

To call these boots anything but homely would be an insult to their utility.  With my heavy Victorian waders, I can traverse puddles, conquer ice slicks, and march through well-intentioned piles of salt without any ado.  After confronting the weather, they can then take me into the boardroom, where their strength, tenacity, and unabashed resolve transfer from their leather soles into my words. 

Yes, the Vermont winters have not been kind to these shoes - but they have certainly been kind to me.

Knell

Knell [noun] (nehl)

1. Sound of a funeral bell
2. Omen of death or failure

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Despite fear and panic, cruelty and mockery, endless brainstorm sessions and rows and rows of cookie cutter cubicles, it's still too soon for you to hear the knell for creativity.

For inspiration.  For insight found in the most unlikely places.  

It's too soon to believe there is no original thought.  Too soon to self-edit vision.  Too soon to welcome manila into your veins and monotony into your soul.

Fear and panic, cruelty and mockery, endless brainstorm sessions and rows and rows of cookie cutter cubicles... these are for what the bells tolls, not your imagination.  Not your euphoria.

Not you.

Judicious

Judicious [adj] (joo dih shuhs)

1. Sensible
2. Showing good judgment

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I have to question how judicious it is to have not one, not two, but three theatrical retellings of Snow White without a single one of them featuring our fair princess as an evil vampire.

*Insert chirping birds, a la this clip*

Okay.  Here we go: Snow White is a vampire.  No, no - stay with me.  The Queen is not evil; she's a vampire hunter. 

Credit

This story is loaded with allusions to Snow's less-than-living reality, even if it the tale itself paints her as the innocent victim.  Remember: History is written by the victors.  We've seen it happen time and time again - so why would it be any different when it comes to faerie tales?  I propose that the Queen of Snow White is merely a victim of a rewritten history - the target of a post-humorous smear campaign by her archenemy.  And here is my evidence:

• As the German telling of this tale goes, Snow White begins as a wish made on a drop of her mother's blood.  Blood.  B-L-O-O-D.  To top it off, the mother dies during childbirth.  A coincidence or Snow's first victim?  
• The Queen uses a mirror (an item that vampires traditionally cannot be viewed in. A great irony.) to keep an eye out on "The Fairest of the All," also known as AKA very, very pale people.  Perhaps those who do not go out merrily in sunlight and have no blood pumping through their veins, hm?  
• The Queen asks her loyal Huntsman to kill Snow and bring back her heart.  A heart skewered with a wooden stake, me thinks. 
• Snow has an uncanny ability to get men to protect her.  The Huntsman backs out of killing her.   The Dwarfs (AKA "The Buffet") fall over themselves to please her.  It's all vampiric hypnosis.  Plus, a Prince she's never met fights over her "dead" body - but we'll get to that. 
• Snow doesn't die.  Ever.  The Queen hunts down the Fair Lady to kill her on three separate occasions.  Her first failed attempt is with a magical corset that tightens and tightens and tightens one's ribcage.  Really, a vice grip like that on your ribs should kill you - unless you don't breathe.  The Queen, not one to give up that easily, then tries a poison comb, which, too, fails.  And that poison comb should have worked, as well - except if Snow's skin is so hard that it can't be penetrated.  Finally, Snow is handed a BLOOD RED poison apple, which Snow eats and - wait for it - still doesn't die.  The traditional tale says the apple was merely "stuck in her throat."  A lucky happenstance or an author trying to explain the unexplainable (also known as vampirism)?     
• The dwarfs put Snow in a glass coffin while she rests.  'Nough said.
• A Prince, who has never meet our princess before, becomes enchanted by Snow's beauty and instantly falls in love with her.  He fights with the dwarfs over the body and, somehow, this "wakes" Snow up - Ms. Undead likely sensed an escape and a way to get rid of the Queen marrying a powerful prince all in one move.  
• Unbeknown to her, the Queen attends a wedding - only to find that it's the wedding of a once-ally and her last target.  Completely ditching her pure and innocent routine, Snow makes the Queen dance in hot iron shoes until she dies for her and her minions' - er, I mean guests' entertainment.   This leaves Snow a kingdom for her next buffet. 

Ladies and gentlemen of the faerie tale jury, the evidence is before you.  Grimm's so-called Evil Queen is nothing of the sort; she is a hero, a warrior against the darkness.  Sadly in the Queen's case, the darkness triumphed and manage to so manipulate the true telling of Snow White that her bravery and sacrifice are known only as vanity and greed today.  

Garner

Garner [verb] (gahr nuhr)

1. To gather and store

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Like many of us, I've garnered a long list of favorite online videos. Some I can't unearth for the life of me (i.e. the one that boils down the history of someone's relationships via online activity - hilarious. Can't find it - not so hilarious), but other videos I have had the foresight to bookmark, Like, Favorite, and/or burn the URLs into my neocortex. Here are just a few of my old - and new - favorites to share:

My first foray into Eddie Izzard. While the act itself is to die for, the use of Legos makes the whole thing priceless.


Released just last Wednesday, I've proudly shown Volkswagon's new Passat commercial to far too many people.  [The best part is that I think Vadar is, in fact, a girl - the baby doll bedroom scene is my evidence. Power to the Geek Girls!][UPDATE: So, Darth was played by a boy.  Still, in my imaginary commercial world, this character was a geek-tastic girl.  So there.]


Behold!  The power of editing!   This video still creeps me out.

The penultimate viral video.  All hail OK Go!

What's on your must-see list?

Naive

Naïve [adj] (nah eev)

1. Lacking sophistication or experience

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I have never been one to be naive about weather, particularly the variety we receive in Vermont.  The Green Mountain State entices many with its lush greenery during the spring, serene lakes during the summer, confetti farmlands during the fall, and white-capped mountains during the winter.  These sites are iconic for a reason- if my opinion means anything, I highly recommend visiting our state to witness each season in action.

However.

As a native, the weather that each season brings uncovers something a little different for me.  Spring means boots for Mud Season, summer means sunblock for every excursion, and fall means having a handkerchief handy for when the wind picks up woodsmoke.  And winter?  Winter means sunlight, or  a lack thereof.  The colder months - which can range from November to April - bring a series of cloudy days that can span for weeks on end.  After a few days without sunshine, the lack of vitamin D starts to wear on the system and make the winter feel much, much longer.   May it be winter blues, cabin fever, or the more formal Seasonal Affective Disorder, there's no reason to accept that winter has to be this way.  Say it with me, "Winter can be fun!" The colder months can be just as buoyant as any other - just with the right tools in place, such as:

• Water: Drink more of it.  The majority of the human body is made up of water. When we're dehydrated we feel like less than our normal selves, relatively inept.  By drinking more water, you're replenishing your body and allowing it to work as it should.
• Vitamins: Get them.  Like water, our bodies need certain vitamins and minerals to function properly.  Whether you take supplements or have a nutritious diet, giving your body the fuel it needs is important when certain vitamins (like Vitamin D from the sun) are in demand.
• Exercise: Yeah, yeah, yeah: We've all heard this one before.  I myself have spent many a winter curled up by the fireplace, munching on baked goods, and waiting for the winter (and my blues) to end.  But moving around, even if it's just a little, will get your system going again - endorphins, adrenaline, basic blood flow - and, as a result, make you feel better.
• Light: Embrace it.  Sunlight is your friend during the winter.  When it's sunny, get ready to be active.  No cave dwelling allowed - well, maybe on certain days, if you're near a window.

With these things in mind, winter weather may move from being a chore to being a gift - even without a lot of sunlight.

Hapless

Hapless [adj] (haap luhs)

1. Unfortunate
2. Having bad luck

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Won't someone help this poor, hapless Lego® man?  What Lego man, you ask?  This one.

Toys R Us in NYC, November 2010

Don't you see him? Okay, how about now?

Lego (jumper) Man, Toys R Us, NYC, November 2010

Yes, that Lego man, the one teetering on the edge of that very tall skyscraper.  Thankfully, even in this position, he has a weather-controlled environment, interlocking feet, and a low center of gravity in his favor.  However, one good bump from the unruly herd of remote controlled car/helicopter/My Little Pony-wielding 9-year-olds below will send Monsieur Lego to a carpeted grave.  Or tiled grave.  Or laminate.  I don't remember the exact flooring treatment, to be honest.  In the end, there were hundreds of little feet scurrying around the toy store when these pictures were taken, so it's unlikely that the Lego man survived with all of his plastic limbs (or hairpiece) intact. 

Knowing of the fate this precariously posed toy likely faced, I suppose the real question is not whether anyone will help him, but rather if someone will help the poor, hapless sales representative who set-up this display?

Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?